Thursday 16 December 2010
Monday 13 December 2010
Friday 10 December 2010
Thursday 30 September 2010
Puns for Educated Minds
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies in the park and was summonsed for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture boards an aircraft carrying two dead racoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during root canal treatment? His goal was to transcend dental medication.
A person sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Sunday 5 September 2010
Thursday 2 September 2010
Thursday 19 August 2010
100 quotes every geek should know
1. “Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.” — Dennis the Peasant, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
2. “Three rings for the Elven kings under the sky, seven for the Dwarf lords in their halls of stone, nine for the mortal men doomed to die, one for the Dark Lord on his dark throne, in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie. One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring the bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.” -LOTR
3. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” – HAL, 2001: A Space Odyssey
4. “Spock. This child is about to wipe out every living thing on Earth. Now, what do you suggest we do….spank it?” — Dr. McCoy, Star Trek: The Motion Picture
5. “With great power there must also come — great responsibility.” – Amazing Fantasy #15 (August 1962)
6. “If you can’t take a little bloody nose, maybe you oughtta go back home and crawl under your bed. It’s not safe out here. It’s wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross; but it’s not for the timid.” — Q, Star Trek: The Next Generation “Q Who?”
7. “Five card stud, nothing wild. And the sky’s the limit” — Captain Jean Luc Picard, uttering the last line of the series, Star Trek: The Next Generation “All Good Things…”
8. “If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what you want… Well, that’s where you’re right. But – and I am only saying that because I care – there’s a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing.” – Chris Knight, Real Genius
9. “We’re all very different people. We’re not Watusi. We’re not Spartans. We’re Americans, with a capital ‘A’, huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We’re the underdog.” – John Winger, Stripes
10. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” – Ace Ventura, Ace ventura, Pet Detective
11. “I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.” – Ty Webb, Caddyshack
12. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE – God (Douglas Adams), So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
13. “Some days, you just can’t get rid of a bomb!” – Adam West, Batman & Robin
14. “Bill, strange things are afoot at the Circle K.” – Ted, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
15. “Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.” – Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
16. “Didja ever look at a dollar bill, man? There’s some spooky shit goin’ on there. And it’s green too.” – Slater, Dazed and Confused
17. “Alright, alright alright.” – Wooderson, Dazed and Confused
18. “Heya, Tom’, it’s Bob from the office down the hall. Good to see you, buddy; how’ve you been? Things have been alright for me except that I’m a zombie now. I really wish you’d let us in.” Jonothan Coulton, Re: Your Brains
19. “Never argue with the data.” – Sheen, Jimmy Neutron
20. “Oooh right, it’s actually quite a funny story once you get past all the tragic elements and the over-riding sense of doom.” – Duckman (Jason Alexander)
21. “Fantastic!” – The Doctor (Christopher Eccleston), Doctor Who
22. “I must not fear. / Fear is the mind-killer. / Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. / I will face my fear. / I will permit it to pass over me and through me. / And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. / Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. / Only I will remain.” – Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear, Dune
23. “This is the way society functions. Aren’t you a part of society?” – Kramer, Seinfeld
24. “Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we’re not back by dawn… call the president.” – Jack Burton, Big Trouble in Little China
25. “No matter where you go, there you are. ” – Buckaroo Banzai, Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension
26. “Do you know of the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold in space.” -Khan, ST:TWOK
27. “Ray, if someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!” – Winston, Ghostbusters
28. “Greetings, programs!” -Flynn, TRON
29. “I guess you picked the wrong god-damned rec room to break into, didn’t you?!” -Burt, Tremors
30. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.” -Darth Vader, Star Wars
31. “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side, kid.” -Han Solo, Star Wars
32. “Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back
33. “It’s a moral imperative.” – Chris Knight, Real Genuis
34. “Talk with your mouth full / bite the hand that feeds you / bite off more than you can chew / dare to be stupid” – Weird AL “dare to be stupid.”
35. “Well, let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning’s reading, it would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.” – Egon, Ghostbusters
36. “This episode was BADLY written!” -Gwen, Galaxy Quest
37. “Worst. Episode. Ever.” – Comic Book Guy, The Simpsons
38. “Goonies never say die.” -Mike, The Goonies
39. “Nothing shocks me–I’m a scientist.” – Indiana Jones, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
40. “Bright light! Bright light!” – Gremlins
41. “The Road goes ever on and on/Down from the door where it began/Now far ahead the Road has gone/And I must follow, if I can/Pursuing it with eager feet/Until it joins some larger way/Where many paths and errands meet/And whither then? I cannot say.” – J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings
42. “Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!” – Dr. Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters
43. “If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” – Albert Einstein
44. “Wait a minute, Doc. Ah… Are you telling me you built a time machine… out of a DeLorean?” – Marty McFly, Back to the Future
45. “Don’t call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight blob of grease!” – C3PO, Star Wars
46. “I’d just as soon kiss a wookiee!” – Princess Leia, The Empire Strikes Back
47. “But one thing’s sure: Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody’s responsible.” – Detective, Plan 9 from Outer Space
48. “I know kung fu.” – Neo, The Matrix
49. “This is your receipt for your husband… and this is my receipt for your receipt.” – Officer, Brazil
50. “Your soul-suckin’ days are over, amigo!” – Elvis, Bubba Ho-Tep
51. “I don’t believe there’s a power in the ‘verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful. Sometimes you just wanna duct-tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.” – Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly (episode: “Serenity” (pilot))
52. “Would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?” – El Guapo, ¡Three Amigos!
53. “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!” Vizzini, The Princess Bride
54. “There is no Earthly way of knowing… which direction we are going. There is no knowing where we’re rowing, or which way the river’s flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a’blowing? Not a speck of light is showing so the danger much be growing. Are the fires of hell a’glowing? Is the grisley reaper mowing? YES! The danger must be growing for the rowers keep on rowing AND THEY’RE CERTAINLY NOT SHOWING ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!!” – Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
55. “Time…to die.” – Roy Batty, Blade Runner
56. “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” J. Robert Oppenheimer
57. “Check, please.” – Lone Starr & Barf, Spaceballs
58. “So say we all.” – Battlestar Galactica
59. “After very careful consideration, sir, I’ve come to the conclusion that your new defense system sucks.” – General Beringer, WarGames.
60. “I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar.” – Wash, Serenity
61. “No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for.” – Young Frankenstein
62. “Ahh, a bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker.” Fozzie, The Muppet Movie
63. “He’s dead, Jim.” McCoy, ST:TOS
64. “Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious!” – Kramer, Seinfeld
65. “Bring out your dead.” Monty Python and the Holy Grail
66. “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!” -Inigo, The Princess Bride
67. “Why a duck? Why-a no chicken?” – Chico Marx, Cocoanuts
68. “Redrum.” Danny, The Shining
69. “Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows.” – announcer, The Shadow radio drama
70. “We’re going to need a bigger boat.” – Chief Brody, Jaws
71. “Oooh, ahhh, that’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and screaming.” – Ian Malcolm, The Lost World: Jurassic Park
72. “Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.” Criswell, Plan 9 from Outer Space
73. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!” – President Merkin Muffley, Dr. Strangelove
74. “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” – Obi-Wan, Star Wars
75. “Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!” – Taylor, Planet of the Apes
76. “You maniacs! You blew it up! Oh, damn you! Damn you all to hell!” – Taylor, Planet of the Apes
77. “Klaatu barada nikto.” The Day the Earth Stood Still
78. “Monsters from the Id.” – Doc Ostrow, Forbidden Planet
79. “ET phone home.” – ET
80. “What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?” – Bridgekeeper, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
81. “We thought you was a toad!” – Delmar, O Brother Where Art Thou?
82. “Face it tiger, you just hit the jackpot!”–Mary Jane, Spider-Man.
83. “You don’t have to be a gun.”-Hogarth, The Iron Giant.
84. “Danger Will Robinson! Danger!” – Robbie the Robot, Lost in Space
85. “Yeah, well. The Dude abides.” – The Dude, The Big Lebowski
86. “All things serve the beam.” various instances, The Dark Tower series
87. “You can’t fool me! There ain’t no Sanity Clause!” – Chico Marx, A Night at the Opera
88. “Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love – they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.” – Harry Lime, The Third Man
89. “And I said, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I’m, I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire…” – Milton Waddams, Office Space
90. “Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.” – Peter Gibbons, Office Space
91. “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.” – John McClane (in writing), Die Hard
92. “Gimme some sugar, baby.” – Ash, Army of Darkness
93. “Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things, right now: Jack and sh*t… and Jack left town.” – Ash, Army of Darkness
94. “Kneel before Zod.” – Zod, Superman II
95. “Shall we play a game?” – Joshua, WarGames
96. “Daddy would have gotten us Uzis.” – Samantha, Night of the Comet
97. “It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses.” “Hit it!” – Elwood, The Blues Brothers
98. “Make it so” / “Engage” – Captain Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation
99. “Ya Ta!” – Hiro Nakamura, Heroes
100. “End Of Line” – The MCP, TRON
2. “Three rings for the Elven kings under the sky, seven for the Dwarf lords in their halls of stone, nine for the mortal men doomed to die, one for the Dark Lord on his dark throne, in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie. One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring the bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.” -LOTR
3. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” – HAL, 2001: A Space Odyssey
4. “Spock. This child is about to wipe out every living thing on Earth. Now, what do you suggest we do….spank it?” — Dr. McCoy, Star Trek: The Motion Picture
5. “With great power there must also come — great responsibility.” – Amazing Fantasy #15 (August 1962)
6. “If you can’t take a little bloody nose, maybe you oughtta go back home and crawl under your bed. It’s not safe out here. It’s wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross; but it’s not for the timid.” — Q, Star Trek: The Next Generation “Q Who?”
7. “Five card stud, nothing wild. And the sky’s the limit” — Captain Jean Luc Picard, uttering the last line of the series, Star Trek: The Next Generation “All Good Things…”
8. “If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what you want… Well, that’s where you’re right. But – and I am only saying that because I care – there’s a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing.” – Chris Knight, Real Genius
9. “We’re all very different people. We’re not Watusi. We’re not Spartans. We’re Americans, with a capital ‘A’, huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We’re the underdog.” – John Winger, Stripes
10. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” – Ace Ventura, Ace ventura, Pet Detective
11. “I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.” – Ty Webb, Caddyshack
12. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE – God (Douglas Adams), So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
13. “Some days, you just can’t get rid of a bomb!” – Adam West, Batman & Robin
14. “Bill, strange things are afoot at the Circle K.” – Ted, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
15. “Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.” – Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
16. “Didja ever look at a dollar bill, man? There’s some spooky shit goin’ on there. And it’s green too.” – Slater, Dazed and Confused
17. “Alright, alright alright.” – Wooderson, Dazed and Confused
18. “Heya, Tom’, it’s Bob from the office down the hall. Good to see you, buddy; how’ve you been? Things have been alright for me except that I’m a zombie now. I really wish you’d let us in.” Jonothan Coulton, Re: Your Brains
19. “Never argue with the data.” – Sheen, Jimmy Neutron
20. “Oooh right, it’s actually quite a funny story once you get past all the tragic elements and the over-riding sense of doom.” – Duckman (Jason Alexander)
21. “Fantastic!” – The Doctor (Christopher Eccleston), Doctor Who
22. “I must not fear. / Fear is the mind-killer. / Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. / I will face my fear. / I will permit it to pass over me and through me. / And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. / Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. / Only I will remain.” – Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear, Dune
23. “This is the way society functions. Aren’t you a part of society?” – Kramer, Seinfeld
24. “Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we’re not back by dawn… call the president.” – Jack Burton, Big Trouble in Little China
25. “No matter where you go, there you are. ” – Buckaroo Banzai, Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension
26. “Do you know of the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold in space.” -Khan, ST:TWOK
27. “Ray, if someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!” – Winston, Ghostbusters
28. “Greetings, programs!” -Flynn, TRON
29. “I guess you picked the wrong god-damned rec room to break into, didn’t you?!” -Burt, Tremors
30. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.” -Darth Vader, Star Wars
31. “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side, kid.” -Han Solo, Star Wars
32. “Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back
33. “It’s a moral imperative.” – Chris Knight, Real Genuis
34. “Talk with your mouth full / bite the hand that feeds you / bite off more than you can chew / dare to be stupid” – Weird AL “dare to be stupid.”
35. “Well, let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning’s reading, it would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.” – Egon, Ghostbusters
36. “This episode was BADLY written!” -Gwen, Galaxy Quest
37. “Worst. Episode. Ever.” – Comic Book Guy, The Simpsons
38. “Goonies never say die.” -Mike, The Goonies
39. “Nothing shocks me–I’m a scientist.” – Indiana Jones, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
40. “Bright light! Bright light!” – Gremlins
41. “The Road goes ever on and on/Down from the door where it began/Now far ahead the Road has gone/And I must follow, if I can/Pursuing it with eager feet/Until it joins some larger way/Where many paths and errands meet/And whither then? I cannot say.” – J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings
42. “Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!” – Dr. Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters
43. “If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” – Albert Einstein
44. “Wait a minute, Doc. Ah… Are you telling me you built a time machine… out of a DeLorean?” – Marty McFly, Back to the Future
45. “Don’t call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight blob of grease!” – C3PO, Star Wars
46. “I’d just as soon kiss a wookiee!” – Princess Leia, The Empire Strikes Back
47. “But one thing’s sure: Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody’s responsible.” – Detective, Plan 9 from Outer Space
48. “I know kung fu.” – Neo, The Matrix
49. “This is your receipt for your husband… and this is my receipt for your receipt.” – Officer, Brazil
50. “Your soul-suckin’ days are over, amigo!” – Elvis, Bubba Ho-Tep
51. “I don’t believe there’s a power in the ‘verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful. Sometimes you just wanna duct-tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.” – Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly (episode: “Serenity” (pilot))
52. “Would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?” – El Guapo, ¡Three Amigos!
53. “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!” Vizzini, The Princess Bride
54. “There is no Earthly way of knowing… which direction we are going. There is no knowing where we’re rowing, or which way the river’s flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a’blowing? Not a speck of light is showing so the danger much be growing. Are the fires of hell a’glowing? Is the grisley reaper mowing? YES! The danger must be growing for the rowers keep on rowing AND THEY’RE CERTAINLY NOT SHOWING ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!!” – Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
55. “Time…to die.” – Roy Batty, Blade Runner
56. “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” J. Robert Oppenheimer
57. “Check, please.” – Lone Starr & Barf, Spaceballs
58. “So say we all.” – Battlestar Galactica
59. “After very careful consideration, sir, I’ve come to the conclusion that your new defense system sucks.” – General Beringer, WarGames.
60. “I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar.” – Wash, Serenity
61. “No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for.” – Young Frankenstein
62. “Ahh, a bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker.” Fozzie, The Muppet Movie
63. “He’s dead, Jim.” McCoy, ST:TOS
64. “Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious!” – Kramer, Seinfeld
65. “Bring out your dead.” Monty Python and the Holy Grail
66. “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!” -Inigo, The Princess Bride
67. “Why a duck? Why-a no chicken?” – Chico Marx, Cocoanuts
68. “Redrum.” Danny, The Shining
69. “Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows.” – announcer, The Shadow radio drama
70. “We’re going to need a bigger boat.” – Chief Brody, Jaws
71. “Oooh, ahhh, that’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and screaming.” – Ian Malcolm, The Lost World: Jurassic Park
72. “Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.” Criswell, Plan 9 from Outer Space
73. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!” – President Merkin Muffley, Dr. Strangelove
74. “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” – Obi-Wan, Star Wars
75. “Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!” – Taylor, Planet of the Apes
76. “You maniacs! You blew it up! Oh, damn you! Damn you all to hell!” – Taylor, Planet of the Apes
77. “Klaatu barada nikto.” The Day the Earth Stood Still
78. “Monsters from the Id.” – Doc Ostrow, Forbidden Planet
79. “ET phone home.” – ET
80. “What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?” – Bridgekeeper, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
81. “We thought you was a toad!” – Delmar, O Brother Where Art Thou?
82. “Face it tiger, you just hit the jackpot!”–Mary Jane, Spider-Man.
83. “You don’t have to be a gun.”-Hogarth, The Iron Giant.
84. “Danger Will Robinson! Danger!” – Robbie the Robot, Lost in Space
85. “Yeah, well. The Dude abides.” – The Dude, The Big Lebowski
86. “All things serve the beam.” various instances, The Dark Tower series
87. “You can’t fool me! There ain’t no Sanity Clause!” – Chico Marx, A Night at the Opera
88. “Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love – they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.” – Harry Lime, The Third Man
89. “And I said, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I’m, I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire…” – Milton Waddams, Office Space
90. “Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.” – Peter Gibbons, Office Space
91. “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.” – John McClane (in writing), Die Hard
92. “Gimme some sugar, baby.” – Ash, Army of Darkness
93. “Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things, right now: Jack and sh*t… and Jack left town.” – Ash, Army of Darkness
94. “Kneel before Zod.” – Zod, Superman II
95. “Shall we play a game?” – Joshua, WarGames
96. “Daddy would have gotten us Uzis.” – Samantha, Night of the Comet
97. “It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses.” “Hit it!” – Elwood, The Blues Brothers
98. “Make it so” / “Engage” – Captain Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation
99. “Ya Ta!” – Hiro Nakamura, Heroes
100. “End Of Line” – The MCP, TRON
Thursday 12 August 2010
THE GYNAECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the
local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently,
and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the
gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with
tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he
had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor,
saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but
I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50%
because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in
my entire career".
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the
local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently,
and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the
gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with
tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he
had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor,
saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but
I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50%
because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in
my entire career".
Saturday 26 June 2010
Tuesday 15 June 2010
Hilarious Celebrity Quotes
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid
problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet" Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid
problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet" Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
More amusing trivia..
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Monday 14 June 2010
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Sunday 13 June 2010
Management Parables
To: All Company Employee
Subject: Management Parables
Parable Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Parable Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Parable Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Parable Number 4:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey and it fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
Subject: Management Parables
Parable Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Parable Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Parable Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Parable Number 4:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey and it fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
Saturday 12 June 2010
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The worst 30 things a woman can say to a naked man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
Interesting facts !!?? - Or not...
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily (I knew it!).
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple, and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist that discovered this??)
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow film down while shooting so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
29. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
32. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. (The suits or the astronauts??)
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily (I knew it!).
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple, and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist that discovered this??)
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow film down while shooting so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
29. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
32. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. (The suits or the astronauts??)
Top 45 Oxymorons
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt head
26. Military intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Child Proof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
...And the number 1 oxymoron is..
1. Microsoft Works
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt head
26. Military intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Child Proof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
...And the number 1 oxymoron is..
1. Microsoft Works
Another favourite pic...
This is hilarious and I totally missed the joke until I read the caption....
Favourite Pictures
There are just some pictures that make me laugh...I am not normally drawn to sexist humour but this did tickle me.......
Motivational Poster #1
I have always loved the motivational posters, when someone started to publish the light-hearted alternative...they got a whole lot better
Another Doctor Joke
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly"!
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly"!
Doctor Joke
One day, this lady goes to the gynecologist for a routine examination. She proceeds to take off her shirt for the exam, only to reveal this big letter 'O' branded into her skin on her chest. The doctor stares in disbelief and asks... "Pardon me Madame, but where in the world did you get that 'O' on your chest?"
The lady replies... "Oh that...well my boyfriend has this nasty old Ohio State sweatshirt that he likes to wear, everytime we make love. The other day we were fooling around and the sex was so hot, the 'O' just melted off and branded my chest." The doctor shook his head in awe and continued the examination.
A week later, another patient of his showed up for her annual examination. When she took off her shirt, the doctor sees this big letter 'K' branded into her skin. Again, the doctor was amazed and asked, "My goodness, where did you get that 'K'?"
The lady responded, "Well you see doctor, my husband is a big Kentucky basketball fan who insists on wearing his favorite 'good luck' UK T-shirt when we have sex. Last night we were making love and boy...did we get into it. It was incredibly hot and the 'K' just melted right off his shirt and branded my skin." The doctor was thoroughly amazed and continued to examine her.
Another week went by and a new patient shows up for her examination. She takes off her shirt and to the doctor's surprise, he sees this huge letter 'M' branded on her chest. Well, the doctor, remembering the last two patients exhibiting similar conditions, asks this patient: "Let me take a guess. Your fiancee went to Michigan State and he wore a Michigan State shirt the last time you two had sex and it was so HOT, the 'M' just burned right off and branded your chest."
The woman gave the doctor a puzzled look and said: "Why NO doctor...but my girlfriend went to the University of Wisconsin."
The lady replies... "Oh that...well my boyfriend has this nasty old Ohio State sweatshirt that he likes to wear, everytime we make love. The other day we were fooling around and the sex was so hot, the 'O' just melted off and branded my chest." The doctor shook his head in awe and continued the examination.
A week later, another patient of his showed up for her annual examination. When she took off her shirt, the doctor sees this big letter 'K' branded into her skin. Again, the doctor was amazed and asked, "My goodness, where did you get that 'K'?"
The lady responded, "Well you see doctor, my husband is a big Kentucky basketball fan who insists on wearing his favorite 'good luck' UK T-shirt when we have sex. Last night we were making love and boy...did we get into it. It was incredibly hot and the 'K' just melted right off his shirt and branded my skin." The doctor was thoroughly amazed and continued to examine her.
Another week went by and a new patient shows up for her examination. She takes off her shirt and to the doctor's surprise, he sees this huge letter 'M' branded on her chest. Well, the doctor, remembering the last two patients exhibiting similar conditions, asks this patient: "Let me take a guess. Your fiancee went to Michigan State and he wore a Michigan State shirt the last time you two had sex and it was so HOT, the 'M' just burned right off and branded your chest."
The woman gave the doctor a puzzled look and said: "Why NO doctor...but my girlfriend went to the University of Wisconsin."
Some great one-liners
So just to begin here are some questions that just need answering....
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad at drive-up McDonalds?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad at drive-up McDonalds?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Welcome
I've realised that there are so many funny and interesting things on the internet, things that I have attempted to share on Twitter or Facebook without any degree of success. I have slowly come to realise that these social networking fora do not have the space or retention capability that I need.
As I embark into the world of blogging, I hope that my capacity to share, market and profile will be greatly enhanced.
Welcome to my blog......
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